Spring has sprung!

The snow has gone, the sun is out and the flowers are in bloom.  Spring has most definitely sprung!

Our hotel is doing well with 2 rooms booked tonight.  We have bought an online booking system, which makes things clearer and double bookings much less likely.  So, it feels like things are running quite smoothly.

My husband and step-son are out go-karting for the day and I am here looking after the home and practising for my audition on Friday.  Yes, that´s right, I have an audition for a course in how to be a church musician this coming Friday.  I live in Sweden where church musicians are called kantors and often have full-time and fairly well-paid jobs.  I am not doing it for the money, more because I enjoy music and church-life and could do with an extra income stream in the hotel low season.  The audition takes place in another city and will last all day – 10am-4pm.  I will be playing piano, singing, playing the organ and leading a choir.

Yesterday, I spent a lovely day at my in-laws house, about 40km away.  It was a glorious sunny day and the birds were singing.  They have a beautiful home, which is perfect for my toddler and dog to run around in.  My dog is poorly at the moment as he was run over 2 weeks ago.  He has nerve damage in one of his feet so is only walking on 3 legs (as he has very little feeling in the other leg).  He is currently staying with my in-laws as we think it is the best place for him: it is calmer than the hotel and the garden is fully enclosed so he can´t escape.  My son has also been staying with Farmor and Farfar (Grandma and Grandpa in Swedish) so that I can do some more concentrated practice at home.

It was wonderful to see my son and dog again and one of my highlights was napping on the bed with them both 🙂  I miss them both so much when they are not here but I know they are being well looked-after.

Here is a picture from my spring walk this morning.  This particular bit of the forest is covered in delicate wood anenomes, whereas just 3 weeks ago it was smothered in a thick layer of wintry snow!

I hope all my readers are having a wonderful spring day, wherever you are and if you can, do go outside and look at the flowers.  Such a wonderful example of growth and new life!

 

I need a hug!

So, it’s another day and another beautiful opportunity to write this blog. I was surprised and flattered by how many people visited and liked my last post. Thank you for showing up and taking the time to read my ramblings!

It has been a tough few days here in Stepfamily Land. Hubby injured his hand earlier this week and needed stitches! So he is one-handedly trying to get through each day and needing help from me to dress and eat. It is a reminder of just how lucky those of us who have 2 fully-working hands are. We use 2 hands for countless day-to-day tasks: eating with a knife and fork, tying our shoelaces, putting socks on our feet, doing up our trousers, playing the piano… Praise the Lord for hands lol! Yesterday his hand swelled up so we had to undo the bandage and re-tie it more loosely.  Here’s hoping he has a better day today!

My step-daughter has now been off school for a month with depression. Let’s just let that sink in. A whole month out of school with all its opportunities for learning, socialising and having fun. A whole month of me having her at home while I work at our family business. The spectrum of my emotions during this time has included rage at her passivity in life, frustration at her refusal to get out of bed some days, anxiety about her future if she continues to miss school, compassion for her, love for her…it has been quite the rollercoaster! One of the hardest things for me to deal with is how much of my own ‘stuff’ her depression has brought up. I had a difficult adolesence (I wonder if anyone emerges from this turbulent time unscathed?). I struggled with depression, bullying, moving house, my brothers leaving home, my parents changing jobs to BOTH become priests (now if that’s not social suicide / a conversation-stopper/bullying opportunity when you’re 15, I don’t know what is!) The thing is, for the most part, I have made peace with my past, I really have. But something about Rose’s depression has brought some of my worst 15 year old memories back and left me feeling a bit raw, vulnerable and in need of healing.

So, that’s me today. Continuing to walk this journey of life with all its ups and downs, twists and turns. Sending hugs to all my stepmum readers out there and anyone else who needs it today. 😀🌈😃❤️😍😊🌈🌈

 

We’ve come a long way baby

I am sitting in bed in the dark with baby son Archie asleep next to me and Jess the dog asleep at my feet.

Last week we had our first family holiday in over a year. We travelled to a well-known themepark and swimming pool in Denmark. To say I was nervous about this holiday is an understatement. In the weeks leading up to the holiday my husband’s ex-wife had been particularly difficult plus I had entered a new level of fed-upness with my step-children that left me feeling worn down and depressed. I was having regular moments of wanting to leave my husband and be a single mum. Yes, my sense of alienation and misry really was that bad🙁

I have made a lot of changes in my life during my relationship with hubby.  In the 4 years since we got together I have moved countries, learnt a new language, changed careers, became a step-mum, bought my first house and had my first baby. Phew! What a ride!

But sometimes, inevitably, I miss what I had. I miss my home town London and its buzz. The multicultural explosion of people, restaurants, music venues, shops, museums, galleries… I miss my family and friends; countless people who hold a very special place in my heart. I guess, essentially, I miss feeling ‘at home’; feeling like I belong.

Sometimes my step-children feel more like housemates than my children. They are aged 11 and 15 so they are not little ones who need feeding, changing and entertaining. They are large, lumbering adolescents who come with a great deal of baggage.

The nature and weight of that baggage became increasingly clear in the run-up to our holiday.  My step-daughter Rose began opening up about difficulties in ber past. We think she has some degree of depression and so are booking a psychologist for her. Details have emerged of uncaring things her mum has said, the extreme arguments her mum and dad had when they were still together and so on. To make things worse, in the weeks leading up to our holiday, as well as Rose’s emerging depression, my stepson George went to the doctor with a bad tummy and was told it was stress. At 11 years old!!!

So, as you can imagine, I was not really looking forward to spending my precious holiday days with a depressed 15 year old and a stressed 11 year old! However, I survived. Despite me having an upset stomach and a bad cold, I managed to spend time with the family and also have some downtime myself. I managed to stay calm and kind during my stepdaughter’s episode of feeling faint. I managed to be firm about not swimming too much during my cold. We ate together and the kids enjoyed themselves.

Since getting back there has been a bit more of a sense of togetherness in our family and our evening meal tonight was proof of that. (When I first joined the family in 2014 they didn’t even own a dining table and just ate off their laps in front of the TV. A lot of effort has gone into getting the step-children into better eating habits.) So tonight, the 5 of us sat around the same table reminiscing about the dodgy builders we once had paint the house, the time Rose was in hospital with a life-threatening illness and we laughed and bonded over shared memories. Yes, Rose’s illness and also the dodgy builders were AWFUL but we survived. And we survived together. We’ve come a long way!

 

Make-up

It has been a rough week. My step-daughter Rose was admitted to hospital. Her brother (my step-son George) has been acting out his anxiety by being extra needy. And my toddler son Archie has been as full on as ever: taking things out of the fridge, throwing food on the floor and periodically emptying his drink on the floor also.

By this morning I had had enough. Enough of George’s moods and ingratitude, enough of Rose’s illness, enough of Archie’s incessant activity. I just wanted to rest. I also needed rest because my husband and I made love last night and that combined with the 5am wake-up call from Archie made me feel like I just wanted to be on my own somewhere quiet. Somewhere free from little hands that poke and prod and pull my hair, or big hands that touch me longingly. I just wanted to be…me. For a little while. Not mum or step-mum or wife…just me.

So I drove to a local park with my dog and wrote in my journal.  I do the “morning pages” exercise coined by Julia Cameron – 3 pages of free long-hand writing. I find there is quite simply nothing like it to clear my mind. Whilst writing I kept an eye on my dog Jess who a) happily chewed the flowers in the memorial garden b) barked at passers-by c) removed some little stone angels from a display. “Even when I try to get some ‘me-time’ I end up feeling hounded,” I thought, glumly.

The rest of the day I (uncharacteristically) spent resting on the sofa or in bed.

My husband and I had an argument before he left the house to go go-karting with George. Rose, who is now fully-recovered from her tummy-pains earlier this week, came to sit with me on the bed. We watched a movie, chatted and batted away Archie’s attempts to give us various objects he had picked up from the bathroom cupboard.

To be honest, I am finding our family dynamic a challenge at the moment. I love my son so so much: he is my first-born, blonde hair, big blue eyes, a sunny temprament, a good eater, good walker, good talker – he is everything a mother could dream of. I said a lot of prayers for him in the womb and he has turned out just as I had hoped. But to my step-children he is just an annoying kid. They get annoyed with him rather than warm to him and it breaks my heart. He is so little and young!

By this evening my husband had come back from the race track and the first thing he did was apologise for his earlier words. He also brought with him a delicious meal of steak and chips. We ate this altogther (minus George, who had already eaten) and then Rose did my make-up.

She has been wanting to do my make-up since arriving 3 weeks ago. (Her and George spent the summer holidays with their mum). I was a little apprehensive at first. I am 34 and have developed certain ‘make-up habits’ through my years of womanhood. I know what suits me and what doesn’t, what I want to draw attention to (my eyes) and what I want to draw attention away from (my big chin.)

Rose is 14 and bursting with youthful energy some days then lethargic and lazy on others. She is opiniated and has firm views on music, dance, food, make-up, clothes…well everything really. She is bright and she knows it. What both Rose and George lack is good manners. Good old-fashioned ‘watching what you say’.

Anyway, Rose spent an hour doing my make-up and it was fun! I felt pampered. I live in a house of boys (even Jess is a boy!) so there is something very nice about doing something girly and pampery. At the end Rose said I looked like a drag queen (you see what I mean about the watching-what-you-say thing?!) I thought I looked good – glamourous😎

So, that has been my Saturday. A roller-coaster of a emotions. A rich tapestry of life. Exhaustion, drustration, rest, good food, pampering and in the end some quality bonding with Rose. I wonder what tomorrow will bring?